From heabaron@goucher.edu Thu Apr 27 00:26:43 2000
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2000 23:59:53 -0400
From: "Baron, Heather" <heabaron@goucher.edu>
Subject: FW: Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew


> > ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW by Rabbi Jack Moline
> >
> > ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
> >
> > COSTELLO:       I'm ready to learn.
> >
> > A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English
> > have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
> >
> > C: Sure, I understand.
> >
> > A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
> >
> > C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer  that. It's simple-some
> > words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they
> > don't mean the same.
> >
> > A: Precisely.
> >
> > C: We have that word in English, too. What does it
> > mean in Hebrew?
> >
> > A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
> >
> > C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to
> > learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
> >
> > A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
> >
> > C: You.
> >
> > A: No , mee.
> >
> > C: Fine, we'll start with you.
> >
> > A: No, we'll start with mee.
> >
> > C: Okay, have it your way.
> >
> > A: Now, mee is who.
> >
> > C: You is Abbott.
> >
> > A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
> >
> > C: You is Abbott.
> >
> > A: You don't understand.
> >
> > C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
> >
> > A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
> >
> > C: You is Abbott.
> >
> > A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
> >
> > C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
> >
> > A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
> >
> > C: Who?
> >
> > A: Precisely.
> >
> > C: Precisely what?
> >
> > A: Precisely who.
> >
> > C: It's precisely whom!
> >
> > A: No, mee is who.
> >
> > C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
> >
> > A: All right. Hu is he.
> >
> > C: Who is he?
> >
> > A: Yes.
> >
> > C: I don't know. Who is he?
> >
> > A: Sure you do. You just said it.
> >
> > C: I just said what?
> >
> > A: Hu is he.
> >
> > C: Who is he?
> >
> > A: Precisely.
> >
> > C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
> >
> > A: No, precisely hee.
> >
> > C: Precisely he? Who is he?
> >
> > A: Precisely!
> >
> > C: And what about me?
> >
> > A: Hu.
> >
> > C: me, me, me!
> >
> > A: Hu, hu, hu!
> >
> > C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
> >
> > A: No, hu is he!
> >
> > C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
> >
> > A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
> >
> > C: Do his parents know about this?
> >
> > A: About what?
> >
> > C: About her!
> >
> > A: What about her?
> >
> > C: That she is he!
> >
> > A  No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
> >
> > C: Then who is he?
> >
> > A: Precisely!
> >
> > C: Who?
> >
> > A: He!
> >
> > C: Me?
> >
> > A: Hu!
> >
> > C: He?
> >
> > A: She!
> >
> > C: Who is she?
> >
> > A: No, hu is he.
> >
> > C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
> >
> > A: No, that's not right.
> >
> > C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
> > when I said it, and I know me.
> >
> > A: Hu.
> >
> > C: Who?
> >
> > A: Precisely!
> >
> > C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
> >
> > A: No, hee is she!
> >
> > C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little
> > Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
> >
> > A: Go ahead.
> >
> > C: Now first You want to know me is who.
> >
> > A: Correct.
> >
> > C: And then you say who is he.
> >
> > A: Absolutely.
> >
> > C: And then you tell me he is she.
> >
> > A & C:  Precisely!
> >
> > C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
> > And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
> >
> > A: Who?
> >
> > C: She!
> >
> > A: That is he!
> >
> > C: Who is he?
> >
> > A & C:  Precisely!
> >
> > C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go
> > home. You know what I want? Ma!
> >
> > A: What.
> >
> > C  I said Ma.
> >
> > A: What.
> >
> > C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
> >
> > A: What!
> >
> > C: Not what, who!
> >
> > A: He!
> >
> > C: Not he! Ma is not he!
> >
> > A: Of course not! Hu is he!
> >
> > C  I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is
> > he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now
> > and play with my dog.
> >
> > A: Fish.
> >
> > C: Fish?
> >
> > A: Dag is fish.
> >
> > C: That's all, I'm outa here.